Why must I insist in hurting my self so? Why must I love him? He hurt me so bad I can't love, I can't dream straight, I can't think, I can't do anything without that pain lingering there. I have a boyfriend....Why must he always be there? He stole my heart and ran away to rip it apart then laugh in my face. I've never heard of someone being so rash about another. Some where I want him to die. Painfully. But at the same time I love him. Is that normal? I cry myself to sleep some nights. I wish he would just go away. His presence still lingers here. These wounds just won't seem to heal. He used to make me happy but happiness covered in lies, pain, guilt, hate. I finally know what it's like to hate. I shouldn't but honestly I think I do. Love but Hate at the same time? Never heard of it. Wish I could get this pain to go away. Forever. Never to come back again. It's hard for me to have feelings for another without that pain being reminded. I don't want to be reminded of that pain. Never. Never again. I should just forget everything. But how? If there was a way I'd do it. I don't want people to pity me. To look down on me for what I feel inside. I don't have many friends. And I don't know my family outside of these walls. He was all I had. But now....I have my new boyfriend but......honestly I'm the man of the relationship. He makes me laugh and smile. What I couldn't do for those months. He made me feel again. After all that pain I wished for death. Then I realized my family and the friends I had. I hurt so much inside and going to school every day to see his face hurts so much I want to cry. But I can't. Cause there is no one to hold me or wipe away these tears of blood that ripple down my face. The blood from my arms has gone but the pain is still there. So are the scars. Always have, always will be. A constant reminder of how far I've come now to turn back onto....THAT. I will not give up now. I have to be strong. If not for me, then for my family and the little friends I have. It is my job to make them happy. No matter what. Even if that pain comes back full force I cannot let myself be brought down to that level again. Not again. Never again.